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The radiance of an opium dream [02 May 2010|05:06pm]
[ mood | accomplished ]



school chippewa [21 Feb 2010|06:06pm]
Chippewa County Community Foundation

Paul and Emily Shagen Scholarship

members of the Sault Ste Marie Tribe of Chippewa Indians


Additional Contact Information

(2Fuckeds | Fuck)

time will tell [27 Jan 2010|07:19am]
I miss mary wanting to talk to me for hours.

I miss how personal and intimate cuddleing with shannon was.

I miss tiffany being my rock, "no matter what".

I know I will fall in love again, I have met wonderful amazing people that intrigue me greatly...its all just a matter of time...like those three small words are haunting my spirit. my soul.



[20 Dec 2009|04:26am]
Im on hallucinagenics currently and everythng is so amazing i cant even convey a mulitude of colour in a single dimention somehow finding there way top be to exist...
rain drops on my head fellt like terdrops on my cheeks and i was worried god was crying and i felt so at shame, but still i listened and heard nothing.

the heater is more human then the nearest human....i use the term nearest to avoid closest....i could pull a human nearer and still wouldnt care..of their existance, or mine


our limbs were intertwined, in envy of our thoughts [27 Nov 2009|10:50am]
I'm trying to pretend it does not hurt, but its fucking killing me.
I feel like a wounded animal.
inebriated dreams impossible
difficulties surround-such as mortality
I am filthy, cant you see,
worms swimming in and out
my body is rotting inside itself
remember the swimming pool
in the middle of the night
we took off all our clothes
and kissed with our eyes closed
I ran to you in the rain
and held you while we slept
our limbs were intertwined,
in envy of our thoughts

so, I am over mary. thats so cool. haha, it only took five thousand years.
she gave me some good advice after i tried to ....you know....well anyways.

she said pretty much that if i find dead writers and poets to have a closeness and connections through books that i will have that satisfied fullfilled feeeling. I have trouble with women, its what i use to fulfill myself, and people suck sometimes so im going to rely on musicing and wirting and ready rather than trying to derive satisfaction from love alone. human connections have to happen organically. i just feel like mary took off a blind fold i was wearing my whole life and now i cant put it back on. so i have to be brave and learn to live with this new awareness.i have a huge respect for honest raw human connection. I want to connect with my friends more and myself. I will not settle on filling my lonliness with some dumb drone. I know who i want and dont want in my life, and I know who stimulates me intellectually....I will not settle, i dont deserve to settle. i will not hide in a girl i am not in love with or conected to.


[30 Oct 2009|03:09am]
[ mood | tired and awake? ]

I am out of money and certainly out of luck.
I got a 1000 dollar speeding ticket.
I have decided to sell my car
move to eugene or cottage grove
go to school, buy a bike.
smoke lots of pot and write compulsively.
hoefully everything will work out.

I hung out with mary love, it wasnt too bad.
Im glad we reconnected as friends, I also hung out with alex. he is one cool mother fucker.
jessie lee has been staying with me the last few days, just getting fucking drunk and eating mushrooms and calling my mom talking more polska than ever.... yeah, calling your mom on shrrooooms....not a good idea!!i dont even remember taking the shroooms, I remember being like " ooh lets take these on halloween" and then being like " hahahaha eat em jessie" and shoving them in her mouth. haha. later i found her in the tent wrapped up in the rain sheild thing all cute and adorable in this giant orange bubble. her face was adorable thats all i remmeber, she says that we made out. i dont remember at all. i also woke up wearing a new shirt and I had bikini bottoms on under my underwear, but i was still wearing the same long johns and pants. i guess we tried to get into the bathtub and it kind of annoyed some one so they told us to get out. why not take an imaginary bath?? it was all a huge blurr. I am just glad my mom wrote it off as a drunk dial...man was I fucked up. jessie lee said people didnt want her to come chill with me, but she did. and im glad she did, shes chill as fuck, and she thinks i chill as fuck. we get along great. we drunkenly decided that were actually best friends. haha. shes going to tell all the people talking crap about me to shut up cuz im chill as fuck. man. mary is one cool lady, jessie told me she thinks mary is grose, but i still have little crush on her. it was an unusual week. a slishy sloshy blend of whiskey shrooms and apples. we still havnt come up with enough money for muchos, its so dissapointing. tomorrow were going to finish the rest of the half gallon and spange to get enough money to go up to portland. i really want to sell my car, like fuckin tomorrow.I cant believe tomorrow is the day before halloween im fucking excited. i have no plans and no idea what fucking town I will be in or if i will have a car or not or what the fuck ever. if i sell my car thats a few thousand to live off of. things will be okay. Im officially a bandito, i have accidentally stolen another one of marys bandanas. AhHA! im excited to be marys friend, and to make new friends. and live in a new place, and live a different new life. lifes fucking crazy.

sell car.
get proof that the spedometer broke.
go to court for stealing on the 4th in eugene.
find a place to live.
talk to my mom.
go to court for the traffic violations.
look for a bike, get my moms bike, or my bike, get bike lock.
work on my life plan or at least plan some thing out for the near future.

sell car, refund insurance, get money, get room share, get bike, go to school, pay off everything, buy some damn pot. maybe look up ride shares so i can get back down here.

concider moving in with my mom for a brief stint, getting stuck in newberg without a car is worse than cottage grove. I need to stop focusing on my mistakes and start making things better.


sweet sorrow. [22 Oct 2009|05:22pm]
my favourite friends are coming to see me, and im making new friends to, oh how i miss portlanders.


hey mami you beautiful. [18 Oct 2009|05:17pm]
So Eugenes going great, already had a photoshoot!! it went great, im so excited to see how all the pictures came out. looked for a job today, i havnt got out of my chair except to pee all damn day. driving to springfeild, hopefully excitement will arrise. Im feeling rather restless after sitting still for so fuckinng long. my ass is still broken, its feeeling better though. Im so dont with the computer. cellebacy is going greatt, met cute girls and wasnt too weakened, haha.

the end.

(1Fucked | Fuck)

[12 Oct 2009|02:32pm]
Life is grand, quit drugs, yipee.
Danielles getting clean wednesday, warms my heart.
Keelee and I are on waaaayyy better terms now that she has finally lost all romantic intrest in me. I am so much more lukrative when not indulging in my libido, bryce and I werre having a discussion about cellebacy, and controlling your senses.
I love to love, not to fuck yo.
So I got wasted and lost all my personal belongings, all my awful poetry pathetically addmitting my masochistic infatuation with all women named mary. thats not the least of it, I also lost my cell phone charger...I feel really happy about that one actually. I have been way to controlled by plans, and other people, and TIME. ugh. I am living on a whim today.
I alllllsssssoooo Lost my present for fee. it was a bottle with a little bird for the topper. it was sooo cute. fee is a great bird, she brings so much love into my treehouse!!
I also had fun breaking my tailbone, i can bearly move, and I have like 4 days to vacate my apartment and clean danielles enough to move my shit into her place. fuck, then in two weeks we have to move to se belmont with keelee, then in the winter im moving to eugene!!! what the hellllllssss goin on.

time to be productive.

I really need to do something tonight.


illusions, illuminate my heart. [08 Sep 2009|01:43pm]
yet i am a mental masochist, so i still secretly want to fallinto the illusion of love with her, itd be an illusion but what isnt. and how do you tell what is and what isnt. i could go either way.


comprehending individualism.. [08 Sep 2009|01:33pm]
i have been writting mmy heart out lately, it feelsss so good. i am going through this sort of proverbial rebirth and my mind and body concioucness and perspective are all lining up and god mary, so contrary it reminds me of myself. im respectful of the intimacies weve shared as humans, it makes me think of what im looking for. maybe what shes looking for. deep human connections, lack of relationships, trying to comprehend human understanding, psh. you cant . or you can but it doesnt mean anything either. i want to find some sort of peace in my inner workings. my souls jumbled up. loosing tiffany and that emotional attatchment we shared was hard in a way, but so damn rewardin. i feel free to love and create and explore. that feeling of freedom when you rely soully on yourself is so under appriciated in our society. we dont need to be in love, or always with someone, or with someone forever to be happy. and seeing how rediculous the whole idea of forever, or even maintaining that connection of true human understanding for moree than an instance, is. it kind of degrades what we are, we are precious individuals and i want to be myself and expierience other individuals. its so healthy for me right now its rediculous.


cynical anylitical, sexy? [03 Sep 2009|11:38pm]
piano lessons, drunk dialing, amazing women...I mean it.

feeleecia and I are hanging out, learnin piano from the best yo. love it. beers.


[29 Aug 2009|09:39pm]
So, I am at work, actually getting sleepy.

AHHH I want to go to the bars tonight, but Im not sure.

I hate being oh so socially akward, Timmy spent the week at my house, god ive missed my bitch!!!

I have also been spending time with danielle, we have sleepovers everynight, im glad were friends again, i adore her.

I need to stop being suck a recluse.


mutter [19 Aug 2009|01:39pm]
so tiffany and i broke up. i am feeling okay about it, very rationally. this is the hardest thing ive ever done.

i am excited to work on school and myself ad meeting new beautiful woman.


[13 Aug 2009|02:32pm]
yo i love the bars

(4Fuckeds | Fuck)

[06 Mar 2009|02:24pm]
[ mood | bored ]

yay I asked Tiffany to marry me on valentines, damn im romantic.

im stuck at work with nothing to eat, all i wanna do is eat some split pea soup. I never go on here what the fuck. last june? well yeah im still on a diet it seemsssssss I want to be ballletrina thin by my wedding day.

damn this cold weather. I want some fucking heat,Im sure my fat will melt away once im able to go on camping trips and chill down town more, im so antsy. plus our electric bill is like 200 dollars for two people thats rediculous.
I went to the strip club last night....fell in love with a stripper...again, her name was reno.....she was a show girl. ha but yeah I cant wait till my bacholorette party, I want to have a stripper party with naked ladies everywhere!!!

Im so bored.....Ive had the same job for two years im soooo responcible......but its getting boring and i havnt had a good nights sleep in what feels like an eternity.

tomorrrow were helping tiffs mom move into her new house, im excited, shes got 8 acres and is willing let me get goats...yay i love goats.

hahaha look what i found on his comp on accident...at least he has good taste


[13 Jun 2008|03:07pm]
I can't wait till pride hopefully no one i dislike will be there...gays are just more dramatic in general....omg if fees there ill kick her ass...shes such a fucking dick. in other news..I have been thinking more and more about buying a house and just renting out a room vs renting a tiny house or renting a big house and renting out a room... se is cute but i dont know how much ill be able to get a loan for. 350000 would be nice.

...hmmm.....I want to have chickens and a goat.. i know a goat farmer.

Tiff and I have the best relationship in the entire world, tonight were going out to chinese food at our favourite place and then were going to see that lame movie the happening where everyone like kills themselves, but im sure it will be okay.
plus, i love chinese food.

im a fat cow, i wont even get on the scale. i probably wouldnt fit if i tried, i gained 7 pounds this month, and i was supposed to lose 10, so that sets me back 17 pounds, and im eating chinese food?

haha well whatever. theyres always next month, ive been waiting for the weather to be completely hotter than hot out, then im forcing casey and were going surfing and what not. Im super excited.

Tifffffany and I are planning the wedding some more, were going to decide on a location and then decide where to buy all the shit needed, and estimates on price. compare prices, and shit.

hopefully the wedding wont be too spendy, I want a honeymoon on oahu:) i love the ocean, and there its like a giant bathtub. plus tiff likes turtles.


Writer's Block: The Eternal Nocturnal Struggle [13 Jun 2008|02:59pm]
Vampires or werewolves?
Vampires,obviously....Sexy. I would totally be a vampire. anyday.


[30 Apr 2008|08:20pm]
[ mood | cynical ]

I love dancing.. devendra banhart, although i want to tell them that the hippie movements dead.....I like them


Writer's Block: Personality Trait = Trouble [30 Apr 2008|08:19pm]
What personality trait has gotten you in the most trouble?
Being an extrovert?

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